UPDATE 2
Wow... hard to believe its been 2 years and 4 days since the last time i wrote in this thing...
as i re-read all of the posts i had made before i just see myself in a different way... I see myself as growing up. as evolving and moving past things... but a part of me sees no change at all. I'm still drenched in drama. ut sometimes i feel as if its my own fault...
recently i've come to find that i have an addiction.. one that i have not be ale to overcome through the 5 years i have been dating... and something i feel i have held for many years past that, well into childhood. I crave the feeling of being loved. there is no other feeling like it to me and without it, i simply go into a state where i feel as if i am completely and utterly alone in a dark abyss. why is it I feel this way? i shouldn't but i cant control it... through the past 5 years i have been on a rde through relationship after relationship. only one has lasted past the 3 month mark and that was mine and brents (8 mo.) recently they refuse to last even a single month... it's getting extremely painful. too painful to go on at some points.. there is this constant nagging fear that it is through my own self punishments as well as defects that cause the guys to run away so quickly. to have them not want to take the chance to go past that mark.
the other part of me tells me that none of it is my fault. i simply make bad decisions on the guys i choose. this can be true.. i hope that it is simply the problem... i fear it isnt.
it's bed time now.. i'll finish this tomorrow.....
as i re-read all of the posts i had made before i just see myself in a different way... I see myself as growing up. as evolving and moving past things... but a part of me sees no change at all. I'm still drenched in drama. ut sometimes i feel as if its my own fault...
recently i've come to find that i have an addiction.. one that i have not be ale to overcome through the 5 years i have been dating... and something i feel i have held for many years past that, well into childhood. I crave the feeling of being loved. there is no other feeling like it to me and without it, i simply go into a state where i feel as if i am completely and utterly alone in a dark abyss. why is it I feel this way? i shouldn't but i cant control it... through the past 5 years i have been on a rde through relationship after relationship. only one has lasted past the 3 month mark and that was mine and brents (8 mo.) recently they refuse to last even a single month... it's getting extremely painful. too painful to go on at some points.. there is this constant nagging fear that it is through my own self punishments as well as defects that cause the guys to run away so quickly. to have them not want to take the chance to go past that mark.
the other part of me tells me that none of it is my fault. i simply make bad decisions on the guys i choose. this can be true.. i hope that it is simply the problem... i fear it isnt.
it's bed time now.. i'll finish this tomorrow.....
posted by Joshua at 1:45 AM
2 Comments:
Hi Josh -
I am a photographer located in Alexandria, VA. I'm trying to combine my personal (buckeyegal0317.blogspot.com) and business blogs (christinasaullphotography.blogspot.com), with the url lifethroughthelens.blogspot.com. It's not available and I realized that this is your blog url. I also noticed that you haven't updated your blog in about three years.
Any chance you'd delete your blog so that I can have that most coveted photography url?
A favor from one photographer to another.
Best,
Christina
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